he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
