Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
