i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Less talking, more tequila
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
