Are we in a gay sports bar?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
