Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he thought i was a dude.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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