He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
