the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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