Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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