It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
