theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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