I forgot how hot balto sounded
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
