this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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