If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
