Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
