my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
