i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
