My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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