my phone needs a breathalizer
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
