Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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