Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
