Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
