mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
