Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
