I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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