She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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