I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
