he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves