he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
