i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
