I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
