Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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