when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
