All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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