My hand turned me down
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
