I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
