are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
