I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
