Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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