I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
