So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
