I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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