sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
