How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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