my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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