I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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