i think my tv is drunk
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
