Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
