Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
