I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
