I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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