I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
