I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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