I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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