I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
