Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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