You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
