i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
