i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
