I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
